I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My plans: 2020:
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?