Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
what the
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.