Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?