My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
“I’m helping” 😅
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.