How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
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Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”