My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I wish this was real life…
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels