Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.