Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
prepare for carbonated trouble