THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
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If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.