Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
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Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT