Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)