Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes