Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)