Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.