My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Just as the prophecy foretold
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”