Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”