“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Just this preview of the story is enough
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.