Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Most fashion shows these days…
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say