this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
just having fun
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
WHY would you be happy about this?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.