one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.