Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My teenage children choosing violence
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
This could be us… but you playing
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.