I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
tinder is all about the long game
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”