“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.