“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Squirrels before girls.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”