waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
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I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…