“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Was it something I said?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.