“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Bobby pin
This is Sparta
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.