I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
WHO DID THIS?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.