HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
You Might Also Like
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.