ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
This kid is going places
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My support group can outdrink your support group.