WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.