One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
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The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?