Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
my dog when i have a friend over
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.