And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
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Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them