toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
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*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns