Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.