When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
drew a comic about my origin story
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’