*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
(Gaming support cat.)
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.