Meow?
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that