My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
wut hotdog?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
*gets down on one knee*
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Spring cleaning checklist…
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*