I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”