The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.