[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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I’m not proud
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
how much for the angry fruit?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more