Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
i choose….tongue
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself