This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
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if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Y’all ready for this
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook