A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Good news
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom