“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Your secret is safeish with me
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason