My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.