Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
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“no dont leave”
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping