Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain